I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
