We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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