I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
