My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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