i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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