I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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