They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
