Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
