There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
