I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
