Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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