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Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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