I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
