none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
