A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
