i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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