I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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