God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
