names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
