I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
