bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
