im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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