Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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