That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
