Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
