I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
