i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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