i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
