Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
