Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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