I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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