so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
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My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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