i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
