I wish I only lived at night.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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