I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
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We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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