He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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