I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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