I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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