I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
