woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
