the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
