I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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