ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
