I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
