I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
