last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
