Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
