the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
