I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
