I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
