My boss' voice literally gives me gas
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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