Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
