I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
