Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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