Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
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we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
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Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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