Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
