I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
