wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
