I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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