The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
