I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
